Hi. I’d like to welcome you all to the Martha Stewart Fan Anonymous Support Group. Remember, we are here to help you, help yourself with your addiction. It is nothing to be ashamed of and something that each of us must struggle with every day.
How about we go around the room and introduce ourselves. How about you start, Hanna?
Hi, my name is Hanna and I am a long term Martha fan. It’s been almost a month since the last time I read Martha Stewart Living, but the new August 2006 issue just came in the mail and I don’t know how long I will be able to keep myself from reading it.
Be strong, Hanna. You can work through this.
But , it is such a shiny magazine. It makes me feel good when I look at it. It makes me feel like I can be cool, too. Just like Martha.
Okay, group. Prepare yourself. I think we may need to do an intervention. She looks like she is going to break.
Look, look. Here in Good Things on page 53…
Oh my god! She brought the magazine with her. Hide your eyes, group. She’s opening it! She’s opening it! Michael, tackle her before she gets too far. I don’t care if it will mess up your hair, this is for Hanna’s well being and your hair can be re-gelled. Fine… fine. Patty, you tackle her.
…there is directions on how to do a bleach batik. I could do a bleach batik! It is so easy! I have no idea why I would need to do a bleach batik, but I could do one if I wanted.
Patty… Patty… Dear gods! We’ve lost Patty. I think she has gone into Martha overdose. When was her last Martha exposure? 6 months ago! We don’t have much time. Michael, start performing mouth to mouth. Jeeze, Michael. It is saving her life. Just do it! I’ll explain everything to Todd later.
Awww… Look, Martha has a whole article on Cannas. I am not a canna fan, but the way she shows them in the picture… Look at them all. I want one. I need one. I HAVE TO HAVE ONE!
She’s going into a Martha rampage. Clear the room! Clear the room! Call the authorities. This is not a drill. Dear Lord, if you have any more sense than a lemming – RUN!
Alone at last to enjoy this month’s Martha Stewart. *sigh*