Deer: Overgrown Garden Rats With Long Legs

Herd of deer in suburbiaWoody Allen once wrote that pigeons are rats with wings. I say that deer are rats with really long legs… and bigger with prettier eyes, but at this point my deer quote is not nearly a catchy sounding as Woody Allen’s pigeon quote.

Point is, the damn things are everywhere and they are destructive. And yet, when many people see them, they stop and gush at the stupid things. This is an reaction that I just don’t understand.

Today I went with my neighbor to buy some daylilies from a guy who lives down in the MetroParks. We pass this poor person’s house which had a whole herd of deer wandering around the front yard.

My reaction was “Holy shit. Poor people. No wonder they have a blah yard. The stupid deer ate everything.”

My neighbor on the other hand gasps in amazement as though we had just stumbled upon a bevy of giant pandas instead of deer. And she went on and on about the deer. How amazing it was to see them, how wonderful they are. And she is not the only one who does it. All the time around here I see people slow down to look at some deer. Even I, myself, do it occasionally. “Look kids, there’s a deer! Isn’t it pretty? Is Daddy’s hunting bow in the back? Pass it up to Mommy.”

Frankly, I see more deer in a week than I do metro buses, as do most people around here. Why do we still find these animals to be somehow mystical? They aren’t magical, they are deer. Plain old, nearly-hit-one-with-my-car-every-other-month deer.

I think that they have developed some sort of super evolutionary power that causes them to scramble human brains, thus allowing them to compete reproductively with rabbits.

They are common, destructive and really tasty and yet people will scream over efforts to allow hunters to cull herds (thus keeping the creatures from overpopulation). I am telling you, it is a mind control power that gets people to scream about the inhumanity of culling a deer herd and then go home to a steak dinner.

Giant rats. If there is ever a nuclear holocaust, I am pretty sure cockroaches and deer will survive.

6 thoughts on “Deer: Overgrown Garden Rats With Long Legs
  1. Tiffany on

    I resent the rat analogy and here’s why: Rats live in colonies and will only breed if there is enough food – the amount of food directly relates to the size of the population and without food resources there just aren’t more rats born. Plus, nearly everything eats rats, owls, fox, raccoons, cats, hawks, snakes, ect but deer don’t really have predators, unless you’re lucky enough to live somewhere there are grizzlies and mountian lions. Deer on the other hand just breed and breed, if a deer comes into heat it has a baby that’s it. Plus, rats make wonderful loving sweet pets, even the wild ones – Deer will attack you once they reach sexual maturity. I love deer, I love every animal, but I do support humane hunting practices. Rats on the other hand just get picked on by people who don’t want to lock up their garbage and stop being slobs. Rats are picked on by an entire industry based on an irrational hysteria and killing rats with poison is NEVER humane or dignified.


  2. Hanna on

    I have had rats as pets before, too and I have to say you are right. My appologies to the rat species. You are no where near as bad as deer!


  3. amy on

    well, think of it this way. Because of the “need”
    of every family owning their own house,this requires land being cleared and animals to have no where else to go. The deer’s predator has been either removed or chased off so there is no keystone species to keep the deer’s population in check.
    I understand your frustration because its a shame to see all your hard work eaten before you get to enjoy it but don’t hate the deer. We are in their environment, not the other way around. When i plant in my garden, for everything i plant i make sure that i have at least 1/3 of it extra because i know that what i am planting is going to be the food source for some caterpillar, bird ect.
    so that they too can be prepared to grow to be the butterflies that we love so on and so on.


  4. Karen on

    You forgot to include disease-ridden and tick-infested. Makes you think twice about wanting to cuddle with one.


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