You know, you’d think that something called a “tropical storm” would be a little less chilly. It has been a cold day while the land beaten remnants of Tropical Storm Ernesto have moved over us. Today’s high is 58F. No slightly chilly breezes today. Autumn has kicked open the door and announced she will be staying the weekend.

My garden is in a state of anticipatory suspension. It is like every flower and vegetable is holding its breath waiting to see if this is The End. The tomatoes are filled with frustratingly almost ripe fruit that refuse, in the lack of heat, to ripen any further. It is enough to make a gardener scream.

There is not much to do today except throw on a sweater, pour a glass of wine, watch the rain come down and contemplate my place in this big garden we call life.

I hate cold. I am not a cold weather person. Yeah, I know, then what the hell am I doing in Cleveland? I’m here because I am in love with a very warm hearted (and warm bodied, I might add) man who loves this city. If the world were a perfect place, Cleveland would be magically whisked away to a Caribbean island and the Browns and Indians would win championships at least once a decade.

But, the world is not magical. I think that is why I love to garden. Because, in a garden, I can pretend there is magic. There are fairies and sprites, gremlins and goblins. Creatures that shy away from me but leave me treasures in the forms of breath taking flowers and ambrosial foods. Other equally retiring creatures destroy all the good work that I do for no other reason than it is good for an hour’s entertainment.

Scientifically, I know why my plants grow (or die), but some primal heart inside me still knows that all that science stuff is a big pile of hooey. It’s fairies, damn it. I tell you all it’s fairies who make my garden grow.

And maybe tonight, since it is so unusually cold and wet, I will leave a little thimble of Jack Daniels out by the back door. Something for them to drink while they watch the cold rain come down. I imagine even Cleveland fairies dream of warmer places too, on chilly days like today.

Photograph by Shane Grundy.

I always try to do something creative for my post titles, but for this one, there is just no other way to say it.

It’s damn hot.

I think we may break a temperature record here in Cleveland for the heat.

I really wanted to do some gardening today but I can’t. It’s too hot. I have had no time to acclimate and my body is in shut down. The plants are feeling this too. Neither one of us wants to be messing around the garden.

Where else but Cleveland could you go from 41F to this in a week’s time? Apparently, this time it is not just a Cleveland thing. The whole Eastern half of the country is in a heat wave. Nice to know but it doesn’t fix the problem.

Too damn hot.

Maybe later in the day, when it cools down, I can get some weeding and repotting done.

But for right now, I’m sitting back with a nice cool wine spritzer… or two… or three. Ah, hell, maybe I will make wine spritzers with the whole freaking bottle.

It is just too damn hot.

IT FROSTED! It is more than a full week after Cleveland last frost date of May 16th and it frosted last night. Mother Nature is not being a nice woman these days.

There has been a frost advisory for the past two nights. Both nights I went outside and covered all the plants with sheets. The first night I woke up to no frost and last night I almost didn’t cover anything. I was tempted to wing it. But I said no, for 15 minutes of work you will save yourself alot of heartache. Glad I did.

It was just a light frost but still a frost.

I need someone to complain to about this and since Mother Nature is not taking calls, I have to find a human agency. Who the heck determines the last frost date and how the heck do they do it? Frankly, this year they are doing a pretty poor job.

Off I went to do some research.

My first stop was the USDA website. I thought that they might be the source for last frost dates as they are responsible for the US zone map. Of course, if their website was easier to use, I might have been able to definitely say yes or no to my question but their site search sucks and could not find anything. But as far as I could find, they are not the ones responsible.

Next I searched Google and came across this interesting post on The Honest Hypocrite: When to plant? When to plant? . Very helpful. He says:

The last frost date usually published in an almanac is actually the 90th percentile date for the last frost dates in the spring complied over several years. That means that the last frost occurred before that date 90% of the years for which there are records.

Apparently this data has been gathered over the past hundred years by meteorologists. So therefore, this is all the fault of weathermen. Hmph. Should have known. Weathermen here in Cleveland are notorious for not being able to get the weather right.

So maybe later today I will send an angry email to Dick Goddard. Or maybe I will go take the sheets off my plants and just deal with the fact that no one can predict the weather in Cleveland.

It has been a dry spring here in Cleveland. I have already had to water my garden a few times and until last night, the ground was dry and cracked. But last night, the skies opened up and sent down the rain.

This morning the yard was wet and fresh. I love the rain because it is like Mother Nature’s own duster. It washes away all the dust and polishes the plants up nicely.

While the rain last night was good, this dry spring worries me though. I am wondering if it is a sign of the summer to come. A drought is never a good thing for a gardener.

But we are not to the heat of summer yet, so I will not worry about it yet. I’ll just enjoy the rain for today.

We got frost again last night. Honestly, while I know that the last frost date here in lovely Cleveland, OH is May 16, I have never seen a frost this late. I have lived in Cleveland for 9 years and the latest frosts that I can remember are a few late April frosts.

The frost last night meant that all my potted tropical plants had to be brought back inside. There is also a few plants in the yard that I was worried about. The frost won’t kill them but they had already set bud and if the frost gets on them, the buds will be killed.

One of those plants is my hardy kiwi. The frost a week and a half ago did some frost damage to the new leaves but the flower buds had not set. But yesterday, when I saw the frost alert, I went out and checked it and sure enough, there were dozens of tiny flower buds. I have waited 5 years to get a full crop of kiwis from these vines and I really don’t want to have to wait another year just because Cleveland has crazy weather.

So I resorted to something that is only a dim recollection in my head. Bedsheets.

I am not sure where in my life this piece of gardening wisdom came from. I have only vague memory of sheets covering plants. So vague that I am not even sure if it was my mother’s garden or someone else’s. But I was desperate and the sheet theory is sound.

The idea is that the sheets will keep the frost from settling on the plant and keep the plant from getting frost damage.

A quick peek under the sheets this morning shows that there does not appear to be any frost on the plant but I won’t be 100% sure that there is no frost damage until this afternoon.

I really want to be able to harvest more than 5 kiwis this year, so I am crossing every finger and toe that this has worked.

It snowed.

I guess good thoughts just don’t work. Damn.

Boy, you have to love Cleveland. Well, not really, but I live here so I guess I have to deal. Chance of snow for the next few days. Blech! I am sick of snow. Mild winter or no, I don’t want to see any more snow. They have predicted it for the past 24 hours and it has not appeared, so I am crossing my fingers and thinking good thoughts.

nosnownosnownosnownosnownosnownosnownosnownosnownosnownosnownosnownosnow

Speaking of snow and cold, my Lenten Rose finally bloomed. I thought for sure that it was going to be a no-bloomer this year. I had moved it last year when I put in my front shade bed and I have read that they do not like to be moved. I had expected it to bloom much earlier than this if it was going to bloom. I suppose you could say that it is a “Late Bloomer” *groan* Thank god I don’t have to go buy it a training bra *double groan*

The next week is suppose to be cold so I won’t be doing much outside.